My ACTUAL Diet Plan:

Special thanks to KaRonna for throwing me under the fat bus, I thought it was totally necessary to explain my ACTUAL diet plan so that there was absolutely no confusion.

I’m not trying to brag or anything, but when it comes down to it, I would rather be baking cookies, experimenting with pasta recipes, and coming up with my own concoctions in the kitchen using my creative intelligence than over-working myself in a gym any day. I mean, yeah, I go for a jog occasionally, and do some crunches. But let’s be honest, when I say I “watch my figure” what I really mean is I watch my reputation. I would much rather be known as the funny, crazy, creative girl that makes really great cupcakes than the one that never comes home because she’s hitting the gym all the time.

Now by no means am I saying to you, “If you work out, we can’t be friends.” No… We all know I need to get in shape. But really, this is college. Have you ever heard the saying “Pick only two: Sleep, School, Friends”? Well, that’s kinda how I think. I have to manage my time between school, an internship, a boyfriend, girlfriends, church, being artsy, blogging, and working out? One of those has to give every now and then. So don’t judge, but it’s usually fitness that gets ruled out.

So no, I do not make all of my friends cupcakes to make me look thin; I make myself cupcakes because I have a crazy sweet tooth and I would rather be a little overweight than toned and sugar-deprived.

That’s all. :)

 

Sexy Funeral Shoes

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in my other half’s brain. This is normal for most women, but I’m coming at it from a different angle. I never wonder if he’s checking out other girls or if he’s wishing he’s somewhere else, with someone else. No, what I’m talking about is his complete inability to form a good complement. He tries, really, but more often than not whatever comes out of his mouth raises eyebrows and drops jaws. And the kicker, he’s totally oblivious. Some would call this “socially unaware.”

Allow me to explain.

On our first date, he took me to the Texas Road House for steak. While we were looking over the menu, he was questioning me about other places I like to eat, just to get an idea for other dates I’m guessing, when he asks, “Do you like Golden Corral?”

Now, I don’t know where you’re from, or what you think of Golden Corral, but I remember going there as a child and being freaking excited to fill my plate with absolutely whatever I wanted.

“Yeah, I like Golden Corral”

So he smiles and says, “You look like someone who likes Golden Corral.”

Um… What is that supposed to mean, exactly? Is this a fat joke? He immediately realized how his statement could have been taken, and his head dropped. “Sorry…”

I must say, a year and many dates later, I am still not used to his random remarks. I decided then, on that first date, that I would choose to see his comments in a humorous light rather than getting mad. I’m glad I made that decision long ago. It saves me during other awkward situations.

For example, Austin doesn’t care for nail polish particularly. We have a deal; one week on, one week off. I alternate between my choice of vibrant polishes and nothing so that we both get some of what we want. My best friend, Danielle, on the other hand (no pun intended), always has her nails painted exceptionally eccentric.

Last week, I was commenting on her color choice of the week. I thought it looked lovely with her skin tone. It was a lighter, pastel color, so I figured Austin might approve.

“Hey Austin, what do you think of Danielle’s nail polish? Do you like it?”

“It looks like the color of a urinal cake.”

“WHAT?”

I seriously hope no one heard him say that. I mean, Danielle is used to his awkwardness by now as well, but I forgot to mention the other part of the problem: Austin has a very loud, gruff, distinct voice. It carries. It is noticeable. We just so happened to be on a couch at our favorite coffee shop at the time, and I’m pretty sure I got blank stares from half the people in the room.

Urinal cake? Really. What does that even mean?

Danielle and I thought it would be a great idea for me to document all of these strange things he says so that one day I can have a complete line of socially awkward greeting cards. You think they would sell? I mean, it literally happens all the time, for every occasion.

Last Sunday, Austin picked me up before church. I walked outside to my front porch where he was waiting for me. He looked me up and down and his eyes landed on my brand new, Ann Taylor Loft heels.

“Wow babe! You look nice today… those look like sexy funeral shoes!”